It Ain't Sombre

Music has always been my hiding spot whenever I hit a bump. Maybe it is a habit of me dissecting every single note or tune in a music I hear - too much of Dr Razak and Dr Johan's influence perhaps. There is never a perfect music unless you perfected it yourself thus I love expressing music I love in my own way.
Life is never perfect. I thought I had a perfect life, then I hit rock bottom. So all I can do now is dream of perfection through the music I play, strum, and hum.
The only way I can attain perfection.

I hope I could hit the fast forward button in spite knowing there's real wisdom and discovery in this interim period.

Wow... self-righteousness alert.

"Pain is meant to be felt"

I do not like the fact that as I age the more funerals I will attend. Well, so far it is true having attended a few this year.
Honestly, after every funerals or wakes I attended fear loomed over me. I am afraid that one day I will be the one wearing that white gown. You must think how silly of me being afraid of being the one mourning. But I am. I am bad at wakes or funerals. Very bad.
All I could think of, every time, is how sorry I feel for the families on losing their beloved. This sadness I felt could last a decade if I were to allow myself to be overwhelmed by this emotion.
Having said that, I do know (still) that there is no shame in dying and we should instead celebrate in memory of the deceased rather than mourning endlessly.
If it were that easy right?
And so the only thing I always do is to give the warmest hug I could ever give.

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Anyways, if I were to attend my own funeral I wish it will be filled with lilies and my favorite songs played all through the procession.
Just saying.

"Some infinities are bigger than other infinities" - The Fault In Our Stars

Another beautiful voice (excellent falsetto, must say)

I need someone, That I'll look to,
In the lonely hour, That we all go through,
To give me comfort, And love me through,
In the lonely hour, I need you . . . . I need you,

I don't need diamonds, I don't need jewels,
No amount of riches, Will cover up these blues,
I don't need suggestions, About a-starting new,
In the lonely hour, I need you,

There's nothing i can do, I'm helpless without you,
It's a losing, Point of view,
When there's a wistful silence, In an empty room,
These other voice's, They don't cut through,
In the lonely hour, I need you . . I need you . . . And i need you,

                                                                        - the lonely hour, sam smith



P.S. Working on a Sunday?
Well if you are then high fives!
Nothing to sulk about actually if we could end up with better increment, or perhaps promotion?! *grins*
Long story short, it has been getting real crazy at work lately.

Some questions should just left unanswered, perhaps

For some time, I allowed myself to cry. Or probably because I could not hold back my tears.
Or probably because I wanted to, and I have a reason to do so.
I know, I am being the typical me. If I don't say, I don't think, I'd be okay. I just need to practice that smile every day. I just need to say I am okay. I am okay. I will be okay. I will not lose that smile. I will not lose that charm. I will not fear the future. I will not fear the person I am. I will not give up everything I believe in.

I will never give up on what I believe in.

But, for now, just for now...

I wish to not be reminded. I wish for that serenity. I wish for a shooting star, if only there is such a thing.

I will wake up tomorrow, with that smile when I put on my make up. and it will be just another day. Steve and Shaz will probably make me laugh, discuss footie with Aziz and Talib, well, maybe a little bit on politics too, why not eh?

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I still believe...

# I will have beauty if only I believe in one.
# Meritocracy.
# Nothing in this world is free. We have to fight for everything. But in an honest way.
# Positivity. (though it is often over-stated)
# There is always light at the end of the tunnel.