Minutes to go...

Hello peeps! Yes, I am still alive.
Minutes before the year ends, allow me to pen my last thoughts for the year.
Well, I was thinking (I literally have this post drafted in my mind while I was in the hospital - will be explained later as to how I ended up in hospital) of writing a review of my 2014 but I digress.
Nevertheless after a heartbreak, a lost camera, laptop died on me, 7 gastric attacks, contracted  typhoid paratyphi which got me hospitalised on Christmas eve (and quarantined).. and whatnot... 2014 just didn't love me. Having said that, I am very optimistic that 2015 will be a good year, or at least better than 2014.
Of the many obstacles faced this year I hope it just made me stronger than ever in embracing the new year.
So here's me wishing you a better 2015. Thanks for reading and dropping by.
Happy new year!

With love, hope and dream of second chances...

Of every moment a part of the past....7 things

... every car plate number ending with "the" double digit I see on the road just seem to make me forget how to breathe normally.
... dare not let myself to hear songs that used to (still) mean so much to me
... places I used to dream of going, but how to go when things are different now
... I still love making pasta
... gastric is back, and it is hurting my spine, my stomach, my head
... turned on the TV super loud to kill the silence that surrounds me
... feels like I am singing my life when I sing those songs

"Pain is meant to be felt"

I do not like the fact that as I age the more funerals I will attend. Well, so far it is true having attended a few this year.
Honestly, after every funerals or wakes I attended fear loomed over me. I am afraid that one day I will be the one wearing that white gown. You must think how silly of me being afraid of being the one mourning. But I am. I am bad at wakes or funerals. Very bad.
All I could think of, every time, is how sorry I feel for the families on losing their beloved. This sadness I felt could last a decade if I were to allow myself to be overwhelmed by this emotion.
Having said that, I do know (still) that there is no shame in dying and we should instead celebrate in memory of the deceased rather than mourning endlessly.
If it were that easy right?
And so the only thing I always do is to give the warmest hug I could ever give.

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Anyways, if I were to attend my own funeral I wish it will be filled with lilies and my favorite songs played all through the procession.
Just saying.

"Some infinities are bigger than other infinities" - The Fault In Our Stars

Another beautiful voice (excellent falsetto, must say)

I need someone, That I'll look to,
In the lonely hour, That we all go through,
To give me comfort, And love me through,
In the lonely hour, I need you . . . . I need you,

I don't need diamonds, I don't need jewels,
No amount of riches, Will cover up these blues,
I don't need suggestions, About a-starting new,
In the lonely hour, I need you,

There's nothing i can do, I'm helpless without you,
It's a losing, Point of view,
When there's a wistful silence, In an empty room,
These other voice's, They don't cut through,
In the lonely hour, I need you . . I need you . . . And i need you,

                                                                        - the lonely hour, sam smith



P.S. Working on a Sunday?
Well if you are then high fives!
Nothing to sulk about actually if we could end up with better increment, or perhaps promotion?! *grins*
Long story short, it has been getting real crazy at work lately.

Some questions should just left unanswered, perhaps

For some time, I allowed myself to cry. Or probably because I could not hold back my tears.
Or probably because I wanted to, and I have a reason to do so.
I know, I am being the typical me. If I don't say, I don't think, I'd be okay. I just need to practice that smile every day. I just need to say I am okay. I am okay. I will be okay. I will not lose that smile. I will not lose that charm. I will not fear the future. I will not fear the person I am. I will not give up everything I believe in.

I will never give up on what I believe in.

But, for now, just for now...

I wish to not be reminded. I wish for that serenity. I wish for a shooting star, if only there is such a thing.

I will wake up tomorrow, with that smile when I put on my make up. and it will be just another day. Steve and Shaz will probably make me laugh, discuss footie with Aziz and Talib, well, maybe a little bit on politics too, why not eh?

........................................................

I still believe...

# I will have beauty if only I believe in one.
# Meritocracy.
# Nothing in this world is free. We have to fight for everything. But in an honest way.
# Positivity. (though it is often over-stated)
# There is always light at the end of the tunnel.

The spirit within

I stumbled upon E.L's Huff Post piece about turning 25. I am reading a lot lately. Perhaps I thought it could keep my mind off things. I thought I am okay, until, I knew I wasn't. I am not.
How could I found that one piece of writing, that bloody honest-to-god memoir from some random writer/blogger/teacher!?
Of all the blogs, journals, articles, books (and whatnot) I have read or tried reading these past two weeks could not sum up to the words I have been longing to read, to feel, to hold on to, to wake myself up..
How can two souls, continents apart experience the same thing?
How can, how did she found that courage to write so honestly that it made me hate myself for not having that courage to be honest to myself for being not okay.
How did I found someone who felt the way I did, the way I do now.
How did I found someone who cried so little and so much inside as much as I did?
Was it the spirit within?
Was it the universe's way of guiding me by introducing me to a teacher?
I did not sleep the whole night and drove to work at 6. Thinking the whole night.
She wrote back to me. A total stranger who completely felt my pain, who was so willing to write to me again.
I cried reading her reply. I cried because I had to wake up.

when alternative is the mainstream today

I am alone because I have moved on. and it feels I am the only one. It was a part of my lifestyle once, but I grew past it. It feels awkward to look back at things I used to do or say, but that was the younger me. I can't actually blame myself for it. I have to let that go because I need to carry on my life in the next phase. I have wasted 3 years on it, so no more. I don't think I owe anyone any part of my life. If you want to be a part of my life, to be remembered, be in my real life because I do not have a virtual world.
That said, I am not weird. I am just living my life. and having principles and the courage to carry out my convictions.
So don't be a coward and stick to your principles.

The TEN Things Before I turn THIRTY

Come 2014 I have exactly 5 years to execute this plan. Bless me with good health and wealth in the coming years so I can see these items being strike out one by one heeeeeeee

(in no particular order)

1. Bungee Jumping in New Zealand.

2. While I am in NZ, why not SKY DIVING! O.o

3. Obtain Open Water and Advance diving license.

4. Volunteer at an educational animal/wildlife sanctuary.

5.  Backpack across Europe. (Probably require a couple of trips HAHA)

6. Learn to cook from an Italian Chef while I am in Italy.

7. Own at least ONE property.

8. Run a full marathon. Or as many as I want!

9. Catch Michael Buble's world tour concert!

10. Travel alone. Anywhere.

when it is too much

Can you "over-care" a person?

If it is possible then probably we should invent a "care-meter". In the event we "over-care" someone it will beep. An indication that we should stop before it gets too overwhelming.

I'm turning into a Sara Fitzgerald.

Do I?

26 days till 2013

Reflection Time!

 

Sort of like a timeline. What I did etc etc.

 

So,

 

This is my life in 2012!

 

January (Didn't end 2011 nor begin 2012 with a boom)

• I declared 2011 as one the worst year in my life. Horrible workload. Terrible hours in the lab. Was hospitalized. and what not!
• Embraced the New Year with a "Convex" mug in my hand! Walking around campus ground with fellow classmates till midnight after having a super filling "room"-made  steamboat dinner organised by them ::teehee::

February~love is in the air~

 

spent Valentine's with a boy.

striked out the resolution I made with Beanie.

dated Mr CP

 

 

HAHA

 

 

move on... to

 

March!

 

April

meet the parents

lots of interrogation (I was home for a week, only heh)

 

May

• wrapped up my final year project. finished thesis Hurrah!
• studied for my final Final Examination

JUNE

 

final Final Exam took place

Prepared for thesis presentation

 

farewell party BBP style

missed you guys!

 

 

 

July(busy July)

 

Nailed presentation

So Long, Farewell USM

 

Here comes post- grad trip no. ONE!

 

TWO

 

 

(this was in August)

 

 

AUGUST

 

started working.

 

happy Eid at Hani's Teratak Murni =)

 

September

.

.

.

November

.

.

trip to Bukit Cahaya. caught in the rain. funniest moment. LOVED IT!

 

December,

 

will you surprise me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the actual goodbye of all goodbyes

the day she came into our lives

we were in Singapore the week Dad brought her home. I remember feeling so excited during the train ride home! we were all super excited! our neighbour, Ong(he loves dog- too bad his wife hated

em!), and Uncle Bert purposely (dad's childhood friend) came to visit haha!

 

we had several canaries, a few hamsters, a squirrel haha! but nothing beats her!

 

the best memory

my sisters and I carpooled, from home to school then to nanny's place, since kindergarten. So, we gotta wake up early and catch those rides before dawn. And Lady would always be awake to accompany us til our carpool Aunty arrive to pick us.

When I used to go school alone in the morning, I always talk to her cos she's like my buddy and sister.

 

sadly

because we were all still young, schooling and all. spending most of our time in nanny's place. Mom and Dad had to work. She spent her childhood alone at home. hmmm....

 

on the bright side

she had a boyfriend! haha Mr Brownie. and 10 kids! (too bad, 8 died. 2 survived) oh wait, and a niece(Blossom) and nephew(Mike)! haha!

 

and she lived till 16! Bravo, mama! I love calling her marmalade. heh. cos she looks a bit orangy =P

 

 

p.s. Goodbye my loyal sister/buddy. We love, love you so very much. Thank you for making my childhood a memorable one.

 

 

 



A dreamer?

I've read and heard so much this week on living the dream, John Lennon's you may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one, the promise.....
What if,
What if,
You received something, in the end it was taken away from you. Worst, it was all made up or a lie, a gimic. Sorry I'm a cynic.
Everything sounds so nice when people want you to believe.
When you do, as time passes, you'll notice the cracks in the foundation you once believed in.
Pessimist much? Oh hell yeah!

Anyways, Michelle rocked the house!

10 best childhood memories

1) waking before dawn to watch land before time, and imitating the characters' voices, with my sisters.

2) 1-month holiday in Aussie!

3) first official piano lesson.

4) shopping for my very first and last tamaguchi.

5) my very own birthday parties. Because I'll have a new dress to wear every birthday as pressie. Haha!

6) owned our first dog. lady!

7) annual trip to port Dickson with mom's family.

8) school camping trips.

9) walking to school(primary) with friends every Saturday morning to play badminton.

10) Becoming a bridesmaid. 3 times! Haha.

raising hope

Sometimes you have keep telling yourself that it is ok. Cos if you're lucky it would eventually be ok.

I am none of the above but I am still a Malaysian

:: source THESTAR::

why i am not a girly girl: reason 2

because I love

THIS

THIS

and THIS

people said this is life, i said this is bullshit. stop chasing nonsense and start living.

"The death of conversation, I fear, is only the prelude to the death of human civilisation."- Papa Soo

don't you think so?

10 things i’d say to my sixteen-year-old-self

1- Follow your instincts because they are darn right.

2- despite getting bullied and bossed around by her, your big sis loves you very much(she’ll learn to appreciate your presence especially when you’re away *winks*)

3- need not bug dad to bring you to Penang. You will be travelling up and about north of Malaysia. *hint* you’ll end up studying there lol

4- it’s okay to like chemistry because you need it in life. because chemistry IS life. despite having people around telling you otherwise.

5- it’s okay to skip school =P

6- it’s okay to ignore the boys.(that is not being cocky. trust me.) you’ll meet a keeper soon lol.


7- listen to mom and dad but do what you think is right.

8- people will still stare. ignore them. walk tall. sit straight. and glare.

9- you will still be categorise as cute, even when you are in your 20s. sigh. just live with it. lol.

10- you are still daddy’s little gal. i think you can live with it. haha.

death.
i do not know what to be afraid of, what i should fear of. but i know one thing. my biggest fear is the fear of losing my loved ones. by just having the slightest thought gives me goosebumps. i may or may not be afraid when death comes knocking on my door but having to lose someone, to me, would be far worse than me having to face death.
if i have to face death one day i couldn't wish more than to be able to celebrate every last bit of my life.

:: drumrolls ::

p.s.  

isn’t he the cutest thing or what *MSNpanda*