Of every moment a part of the past....7 things

... every car plate number ending with "the" double digit I see on the road just seem to make me forget how to breathe normally.
... dare not let myself to hear songs that used to (still) mean so much to me
... places I used to dream of going, but how to go when things are different now
... I still love making pasta
... gastric is back, and it is hurting my spine, my stomach, my head
... turned on the TV super loud to kill the silence that surrounds me
... feels like I am singing my life when I sing those songs

It Ain't Sombre

Music has always been my hiding spot whenever I hit a bump. Maybe it is a habit of me dissecting every single note or tune in a music I hear - too much of Dr Razak and Dr Johan's influence perhaps. There is never a perfect music unless you perfected it yourself thus I love expressing music I love in my own way.
Life is never perfect. I thought I had a perfect life, then I hit rock bottom. So all I can do now is dream of perfection through the music I play, strum, and hum.
The only way I can attain perfection.

I hope I could hit the fast forward button in spite knowing there's real wisdom and discovery in this interim period.

Wow... self-righteousness alert.

7 Things

I hate about ushering the New Year

One

I get no new year's kiss

TWO

when it is time to reflect on resolutions made in the beginning of the year you tend to regret on those resolutions you did not achieve. That feeling sucks.

3

I am older by another year.

FOUR

as I get older, more responsibilities. new year, new responsibilities whether you like it or not.

5ive

new year does not feel new at all

Six

I need to work on new year's eve

7even

bad traffic.

The angry post. Run while you can.

Can I say, I FUCKING HATE DECEMBER!?

Can I say, I freaking hate December?

I am so freaking tired I could sleep while eating.

I am drained.

Apart from doing shitty task for people, I need to cover my own ass as well!

How awesome!

I am tired.

I am tired.

I am tired.

Imagine walking a total distance of 2 km and I am not even out of the compound of my workplace! plus the heat, the smell and the dust!

and to attend to stupid emails. from stupid people.

makes me want to kill someone.

really.

the feeling of being (told of being an) inconvenience is a mixture of humiliation and anger with a dash of defected ego and adjusted with tantrum just to cover the overwhelming taste of humiliation and sadness and to overwhelm the taste of lost dignity ... but it failed to remove disappointment. wondering how should I formulate this and put it up into SAP and to be followed by SEQUIN and FINI.

I have rights to declare that

1. I am having PMS
2. you should not annoy or piss me by asking why I am losing weight. I don't freaking EVER want to ANSWER to THAT QUESTION!
3. If you do not want to be YELLED AT, DO NOT ASK ME THAT FRIGGIN' QUESTION!
4. I hate being given indecisive answers. JUST Answer THAT FRIGGIN' question.

Mirror

Facts:

1. I lost some weight. Yes, finally I am admitting this fact.

2. Don't worry I am not undergoing a strict diet. I AM always on a healthy diet. Can't figure out why I am losing weight. sigh.

3. I love my new job although it is stressing the hell out of me. I like the new environment.

4. I hate big family. I hate gossips. I hate family politics and I want to wash my hands off the problems created by or related to my extended family. It is very depressing.

5. I feel very unwell although I am fine. I hope.

6. I want every thing normal. Normal. But it ain't happening.

7. I hope this is just another PMS period.

8. What I need now is not gonna happen anytime soon.

9. Why can't people just accept each other and be nice. sincerely.

10. I am not pretty nor an alien. Don't stare. It is rude.

 

 

If you would understand

Tell a story from your childhood. Dig deep and try to be descriptive about what you remember and how you felt.
Honestly I wished I could skip this topic. Dig deep? Oh my.

One fact. Two facts you should know.
I am petite. Like very small, petite. Short. Geddit?

and I am the youngest in the family.

So, when I was younger I would always be left out when it comes to tagging along the adults to say a day trip or short vacation. And the reason was (always) that I am too young and little. And they have their hands full. In the end, I'd be the one bidding goodbye at the gate, seeing my sisters off to their trips. Then all I left with were tears. (Mind you I am super sensitive. Beware.)

I can actually remember when I was as young as five. (Food for thought: I am not keeping grudge)

From those memories I guessed I forced myself to grow up and be independent. So I chose to go trips (school annual camping trips back in those days) on my own. (Although teachers did annoy me by asking if my parents want to pay them to babysit me) I learned to take it in stride and I began making my own decisions and not wanting to get People's hand fuller than they can handle. Despite being short and small I did what I like and what people think I couldn't.
I may be amusing for some but I can never compromise nor forgive when my feelings are being disregarded and toyed. So I chose to protect myself and love myself even more.
I did not regret, not even for one moment, for the choices I have made.

p.s. I wished I could spill something funny or happy but looking back into my childhood this is the first thing that came into my mind. Sorry for being too deep.

Everything changes

I have never cried so badly in my dreams. Not until now. waking up with swollen eyes. Choking. Breathless. Headache.
I wished it wouldn't come true.

The tale of the circle

An observer of that little circle, a Jasmine tree is all required to stay away, to stay grounded. But no man is without greed. That observer no less.
How do you feel? A question that will never surface. Ever.

you asked for it?

one of
the most absurd.
disturbing.
disgusting.
dumbest.
ridiculous.
stupid.
idiotic.
thing in the world...

a rape victim (WOMAN) is as GUILTY as the man (RAPIST)

why?

because women instigate men to commit such crimes !?

OMG

no

OMFG!

Common sense must have lost its way!

so in conclusion women asked for it? ASKED TO BE RAPED?

So does it mean that people, who work hard and make money, asking to be robbed????

women make men go all hot because of how us women dress in public?

are they fucking serious?

If a scientist could actually make men bear children, wanna bet? us WOMEN will go extinct almost instantaneously because everything seemed to be OUR fault. because we ASKED for it. because the world has lost its common sense.

The world is a beautiful place. What makes it horrible is human. and male chauvinism.
Let me be clear. I am feminist. not a sexist. I do not hate the opposite sex. I am raised by my father. and I adore him a lot. He doesn't smoke, drink, and fool around.

Women and men can't be equally the same. Wanna know why?

Physical attributes.

Need I elaborate further? I guess no.

But that doesn't mean we can't be treated equally. Equally respected.

Sometimes I wish to shout out loud to idiots who make sexual statements to other women

Don't you have a sister, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, girlfriend(s) or wife or daughter? How would you feel if someone made such indecent statement on them? Can you just laugh it off? Seriously?

But I didn't because I do not associate myself with IDIOTS.

 and BY THE WAY

just want y'all to know something I learnt this week

Polygamy = legalised infidelity

Go ahead and think about this statement.

I think it is true.

Just sharing. Don't we all LOVE to share?

I am going to be mean. Don't read.

Polygamy.

 

To me

 

is

Bullshit.

 

How on earth can it be just for everyone involved!???

 

OhMyGawd, is this the 21st century?

 

Why waste money, energy, and time talking about equality when there can be none!?

 

and

 

SERIOUSLY...

 

MALAYSIA CAN'T AND WILL NEVER BE AN ISLAMIC STATE!

 

IT IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL!

 

GO STUDY "PENGAJIAN AM" PREASSEEEE!

 

 

 



Deservedness

The state or quality of being deserved. [web definition]

I will never be able to understand how life was in the 80s as described by Papa Soo.
Or ever shall I know the satisfaction of earning a "four-figure" salary.

But I do know one thing. The value of deservedness.

Meritocracy. People rise and fall based on how hard they work. No pulling strings. No brown nosing. No apple polishing. Just plain hardwork.

Trust and respect.

To be trusted and respected, first and foremost, don't lie. unless with valid reasons.

it's never enough even if I scored As since young
it's never enough even if I'm the only one who managed to complete my music studies
it's never enough even if I'm the only one who got into a public institution for my tertiary studies
it's never enough even if I paid for my own education
it's never enough even if have a career of my own
it's never going to be enough even if I have never screwed up big time in these 23 years
it's never enough even if I am always there a phone call away
it's never going to be enough
and I am sick of this stupid Asian culture.

if I am lucky enough to have my own children I swear my life I would never raise them in such culture.

the power of Aunt Flo

I HATE TO WAIT!

WAITING IRRITATES ME TO THE CORE!

i hate activities that would only take two hours or so but requires 100000000000000+++++ hours of planning 1000000000000000000000+++ phone calls and texts. or even more.
I hate planning.
Why can't we just be spontaneous?

not dying per se. kid me not.

i'm dying for something challenging

i'm dying for an adventure

hiking/ mountain climbing

caving

wall climbing perhaps? I'd love to do that. Been years since I did that. Gotta dust out those triceps and biceps of mine. Err, let me check if they are still there. Probably 30%-ish?

Oh and probably swimming till my muscles hurt.

sigh

anyways, I've been spending my weekends and free time doing nothing, playing piano, COOK (includes baking too), playing with my dogs, cook/boil(?) telephone porridge(direct translation- if y'all know what i mean TEEHEE he'd knows for sure HAHA)

and

doing nothing

owh and housework

So, day by day I'm getting more boring than ever.

May I add?

Bowling! Haven't bowl since F6. Would love to do that!

Owh and snooker! HAHA I don't pool actually. It was fun pool-ing in Penang. HAHA. remember tans??? =P

I know, i know that's not even an adventure but I wanna do something fun! that doesn't have to do with cooking eating running cleaning washing, well, anything that I do every day or in the weekends!

I'm ranting. Yes.

A dreamer?

I've read and heard so much this week on living the dream, John Lennon's you may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one, the promise.....
What if,
What if,
You received something, in the end it was taken away from you. Worst, it was all made up or a lie, a gimic. Sorry I'm a cynic.
Everything sounds so nice when people want you to believe.
When you do, as time passes, you'll notice the cracks in the foundation you once believed in.
Pessimist much? Oh hell yeah!

Anyways, Michelle rocked the house!

When frequent becomes infrequent

That's when ..
the thinking cap is needed;
Rationality in place;
Emotions aside;
And then breath
be numb
Wipe everything of the face
And think.
Think.
Think.
And accept the fact that EVERYTHING (literally) changes with time
no exceptions
well practically this IS the beginning
no use crying over spilled milk, go with the flow, ignorance a bliss? They're still bullshit u know?

confession

I miss Penang.

I really do.

Sigh

I missed out on so many good shows and art exhibitions! damnit!

and all those memories
sigh

=(