It Ain't Sombre

Music has always been my hiding spot whenever I hit a bump. Maybe it is a habit of me dissecting every single note or tune in a music I hear - too much of Dr Razak and Dr Johan's influence perhaps. There is never a perfect music unless you perfected it yourself thus I love expressing music I love in my own way.
Life is never perfect. I thought I had a perfect life, then I hit rock bottom. So all I can do now is dream of perfection through the music I play, strum, and hum.
The only way I can attain perfection.

I hope I could hit the fast forward button in spite knowing there's real wisdom and discovery in this interim period.

Wow... self-righteousness alert.

Some questions should just left unanswered, perhaps

For some time, I allowed myself to cry. Or probably because I could not hold back my tears.
Or probably because I wanted to, and I have a reason to do so.
I know, I am being the typical me. If I don't say, I don't think, I'd be okay. I just need to practice that smile every day. I just need to say I am okay. I am okay. I will be okay. I will not lose that smile. I will not lose that charm. I will not fear the future. I will not fear the person I am. I will not give up everything I believe in.

I will never give up on what I believe in.

But, for now, just for now...

I wish to not be reminded. I wish for that serenity. I wish for a shooting star, if only there is such a thing.

I will wake up tomorrow, with that smile when I put on my make up. and it will be just another day. Steve and Shaz will probably make me laugh, discuss footie with Aziz and Talib, well, maybe a little bit on politics too, why not eh?

........................................................

I still believe...

# I will have beauty if only I believe in one.
# Meritocracy.
# Nothing in this world is free. We have to fight for everything. But in an honest way.
# Positivity. (though it is often over-stated)
# There is always light at the end of the tunnel.

The spirit within

I stumbled upon E.L's Huff Post piece about turning 25. I am reading a lot lately. Perhaps I thought it could keep my mind off things. I thought I am okay, until, I knew I wasn't. I am not.
How could I found that one piece of writing, that bloody honest-to-god memoir from some random writer/blogger/teacher!?
Of all the blogs, journals, articles, books (and whatnot) I have read or tried reading these past two weeks could not sum up to the words I have been longing to read, to feel, to hold on to, to wake myself up..
How can two souls, continents apart experience the same thing?
How can, how did she found that courage to write so honestly that it made me hate myself for not having that courage to be honest to myself for being not okay.
How did I found someone who felt the way I did, the way I do now.
How did I found someone who cried so little and so much inside as much as I did?
Was it the spirit within?
Was it the universe's way of guiding me by introducing me to a teacher?
I did not sleep the whole night and drove to work at 6. Thinking the whole night.
She wrote back to me. A total stranger who completely felt my pain, who was so willing to write to me again.
I cried reading her reply. I cried because I had to wake up.

Shocking!

 

I was at this concert yesterday night. Yeah, you heard me right. I went to a mando-pop concert. Can't imagine? LOL

(was given free tickets so why not!)

Though mando- and canto-pop were never in my list since like forever, nevertherless I have to say I am super impressed with his wide vocal range. He HAS a WIDE vocal range and it is impressive.

Sorry I only know now. Yeah, ignorant "cina". Yeah, me.

and OMG he sings and writes jazz!

How cool is that!

I did enjoyed his concert although the crowds a bit crappy, boring and unsupportive and blur. Wait! and lame too.

(I can't believe they don't cheer and clap for his talented BAND!

his bassist, guitarist, trumpetist and pianist played wonderfully and yet the audience did not understand their solo parts!)

Sorry I'm not a fan of his. I can't go shouting and cheering hysterically. I only support him by giving him a standing ovation.

To sum up he is musically and vocally talented. and I can't wait to discover more local artiste like him. Not those gedik kind tho. We kinda have plenty of them. lol.



Cramped up!

I can't believe just last weekend I was in Kuching and now here I am, at home!
I missed my time in Kuching! =( though she rained on my parade the very day I arrived. HAHA. More Kuching stories soon!

Pretty ain't it?

Lots happened last month and now and plenty things to do for the next few weeks until I am settled with my new job and home.
Yup! I am going to start anew in another company (in Nilai) and moving to another state in August!
Got a place (a room to be exact) just 5 minutes from my workplace. Convenient right.
Must say, I am partly excited and partly scared as well. HAHA. *fingers crossed* Hopefully everything goes well!

Updates coming soon!

need-no-naming post?

insomnia is probably nothing new to you guys.
but it is to me.
to me, a health freak, sleep is of the utmost importance. yes, i'm not ashamed to admit. i am a health freak. and a pusher for people to lead a healthy lifestyle and a pusher of many things. sorry, it's annoying and irritating and.. i don't know. Please fill in for me will ya?
lately waking up in the middle of the night, not once, many times is such a norm. so as tonight. um. midnight? it's 2 am. i think.
what i do when i can't sleep?
think
um
ponder on stuffs
kacau someone when he's home
kacau Blossom 'cos she snores all the time
think of what the future might be
think of times in penang
think of silly thing i did
think of silly things i cried upon
think of silly things i said and done
oh and read. thank god for my smartphone. am i still not smart enough for it. haha.
i can read surf browse all i want anytime (when i'm home or have free wifi access ::teehee::)
so, to sleep better
it seemed meditation works like magic! yet to try. will definitely try. soon. (need to find my meditation board!)
they say running works too. i run almost everyday. i still can't sleep!
hmm
spent whole night thinking again.
what can i say to make things right.
what can i say to not disappoint you or anyone.
what can i do?
i wish i could say everything i had in my heart and mind.
but words and me. we are not good buddies. either it come out wrong and end up a disaster. or nothing comes out.
either way heart still is heavy.
John Mayer say what you need to say?
p.s. i'm glad Lady found peace. no more sufferings.
i thought i should stop pushing around. i am wrong.

the actual goodbye of all goodbyes

the day she came into our lives

we were in Singapore the week Dad brought her home. I remember feeling so excited during the train ride home! we were all super excited! our neighbour, Ong(he loves dog- too bad his wife hated

em!), and Uncle Bert purposely (dad's childhood friend) came to visit haha!

 

we had several canaries, a few hamsters, a squirrel haha! but nothing beats her!

 

the best memory

my sisters and I carpooled, from home to school then to nanny's place, since kindergarten. So, we gotta wake up early and catch those rides before dawn. And Lady would always be awake to accompany us til our carpool Aunty arrive to pick us.

When I used to go school alone in the morning, I always talk to her cos she's like my buddy and sister.

 

sadly

because we were all still young, schooling and all. spending most of our time in nanny's place. Mom and Dad had to work. She spent her childhood alone at home. hmmm....

 

on the bright side

she had a boyfriend! haha Mr Brownie. and 10 kids! (too bad, 8 died. 2 survived) oh wait, and a niece(Blossom) and nephew(Mike)! haha!

 

and she lived till 16! Bravo, mama! I love calling her marmalade. heh. cos she looks a bit orangy =P

 

 

p.s. Goodbye my loyal sister/buddy. We love, love you so very much. Thank you for making my childhood a memorable one.

 

 

 



raising hope

Sometimes you have keep telling yourself that it is ok. Cos if you're lucky it would eventually be ok.

why i am not a girly girl: reason 2

because I love

THIS

THIS

and THIS

shopping list
stop-crying potion
headache pill
stop-being-so-emotional potion

the black room

a white baby grand

 in a dark room

just me, alone

striking all the right keys



awesome is a four letter word in this context

JASON MRAZ PLEASE COME TO M’SIA TO PROMOTE YOUR LOVE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD ALBUM! PLEASEE??? I WILL FORK OUT EVERY PENNY I HAVE TO ATTEND! I PROMISE! i meant every penny cos i’m going broke soon XP haha

excessive usage of lol. now it has lost all its meaning lol

as i sat in the common hall alone, i realised being up in the middle of the night wasnt that bad after all.
i felt calmer.
it was quiet. peaceful. chilly. dark. and something about the air. something. it stopped me from crying my eyeballs out. so that ought to be a good thing aye?

i am sorry if i have been selfish (i know i am.). even more so (especially) when i am upset.

i do not know what else there is to say except that if i could just save one's ear from listening to my rants, i'd be happy to do so.

i know you lot would eventually read all my unhappy full-of-profanities rude selfish posts i posted here and it would be the same as hearing me rant. but the least i could do is to give you lot an option to not read 'em.

i took down "the" post. it wasn't an apologetic move. i know the moment i wrote that post i would eventually take it down the first thing in the morning when i wake up (because the context of that post did not explain everything i felt. it was written because i want to rant lol). so if i am going to do so in the morning when the sun rises, doing it now doesn't make any difference. would it?

on another note, i am happy to say i'd finally unwrapped the one book i brought 2 months ago! wanting to do so for months. but didn't have the time for it. gonna bring it along this weekend cos i'm foreseeing 5 hours of agonizingly painful bus ride to ....... SELANGOR! i'm going to catch RP! LIVE!

p.s. i wished i could blog while sitting in the hall but dang, my phone just simply hates USMSecure(wifi). and shit i'd look horrible tomorrow =( rofl


p.s.s. i want a musashi. but i already have mike (cos my sister is finding her way to dump him to me ROFL *whispers* i know of her evil plans *runs*)

the rational me said FINISH UP THE FIRST TWO PART OF YOUR THESIS!
the stressed me could only think of home
i wish running away from responsibilities could be done by simply running away. am i redundant or what.
i can’t. can i?
even myself wouldn't allow myself to do so.
HAHA.
wtcrap am i saying. you go figure.

as of 2pm yesterday(Tuesday) until now 9pm(Wednesday) I’ve watched 10 episodes of Kdrama.
Would you believe me? HAHA.
The best part is in 12hours(exactly) I will be sitting for my Level 3 InorgChem paper! HAHAHAHA
Another best part is this Kdrama is not exactly the type that I’d watch. Not my cup of tea. LOL. I’d never spent my time on such cheesy drama. Go roll your eyes I know all Kdramas are cheesy. but some are not OK?
Escapism much?

Happy New Year Boredom Post 2

in less than 14 hours we will be ushering the new year!woo hoo!

*i'm terrible at writing happy posts*

so give me a break will ya?!

every new years people will always want to say nice things to others, make resolutions, write out a long ass thank you list, drink until their pockets bleed, etc

so to be different,

i’m going to

do

the

exact

thing!

nah… just the “write out a thank you list” part!

so here goes!

I want to thank every one of you who have always been there for me. Thank you for being in my life this year. 2011 has been such a bitch to me. but somehow I managed to pull it through. Your sms-es, phone calls, lil notes, hugs, kisses, caring words, company, comfort foods, shoulders and ears made every day in 2011 a whole lot better to live.

besides a big thank you I have to say sorry. I may have(the fact is I did) whined, rambled, complained, and cursed a hell too much this year. I’m sorry you have to see me go through this rebellious phase.

I swear, I will be better next year. I love you all!

besides thanking my kesayangans, I’ve gotta thank those bitches and bastards who made my life a whole lot miserable in 2011.

If it weren’t because of you, I wouldn’t have known who my true friends are. so thank you. You brought the worst out of me. but You have taught me a wonderful lesson. I learnt to appreciate tomorrow even more! I have outgrown You. I am not even angry talking about You, anymore! At least now I know You have never been important to me. and I did not forgave you. I have just forgotten about You.

Thank you!

and

Happy New Year Boredom Post 1

I’m so excited for tomorrow!

not because it’s New Year’s Eve

it’s because……

DramaCrazy.com will be uploading english subs for the finale of Man of Honour! yes!>_<

but that also means it’ll be till-god-knows-when until i can see CJM in action again T_T

and exactly two weeks from now I’ll be able to meet my sister! *squeals*

Christmas. and what not.

Happy Christmas my dearests!
This year would be the quietest Christmas of all time. HAHA.
no braving through heavy traffic in the city for countdowns.
no booze.
no friends.
no family.
just me and my cup of Oolong tea. and books to keep me company till the end of the year!
no worries SAT, I am eating well XD
                         pretty eh?

                                                            taken from: Chika

well, I will be back before the year ends and bore you till the new year comes. HAHA. till then, Happy Christmas!

they may be right, i may be foolish

Met Mel for breakfast on Thursday (finally!)

Although we both study in the same university, come from the same town but somehow we didn’t meet each other for almost 5 months!

That, of course triggered some kind of guilt (?)

and

I realised lately or perhaps nowadays I put very little effort to get in touch with people. or perhaps I was too focus on what’s in front of me that I somehow neglected those I do not see. Either way I felt utterly remorse and I would like to say it was done unintentionally. I have no reasons to back me up. Finding an excuse for my actions wouldn’t take that guilt away, so much so I think I should stop finding an excuse for this one time. 
My dear friends, if somehow you think I have neglected you, I am sorry. Trust me, it was unintentional. You were never forgotten and will always be missed.

p.s thank you Cary Brothers for accompanying me this weekend. your song fight off my loneliness when I am alone. hope you would continue making beautiful music.

you’ve been missed dearly

I finally made it to the Big Bad Wolf Sale!
and guess what? i went there all by myself! HAHA... ok, i know it was silly of me LOL but i managed to find my way there and came back in one piece! HAH
anyways the journey to MAEPS was chaotic, I must say. from the part where I drove pass the entrance to UPM ONE HOUR before I managed to find MAEPS and to the part where I got lost in Seri Kembangan town- I don’t even know how the hell I could end up in Seri Kembangan. LOL- I managed to actually stop to ask for directions from a local but this “GPS” failed and I ended up making an illegal U-turn to the police station LOL to consult the policeman for directions HAHAHA…
boy, thank goodness their chief inspector was smart. HAHA…
so drove back to the direction I was from and boomm there i was in the huge ass land of UPM, with no further directions to lead me to MAEPS! brilliant idea to have a huge ass book fair in a huge ass piece of land but without a directory to that blardy place.
can u believe I got lost in UPM?
i was thinking then it would be impossible for anyone to get lost in USM!
i reckon UPM has got no money to actually put up those directory board LOL come on la, get a lil budget and put those freaking boards up!

after 2 hours of driving I finally managed to reach MAEPS. boy, that place is HUGE! and with very little trees……XD
so I spent about 3 hours there and only got very few things =( T_T they didn’t even have a single Jodi Picoult! how could they! T_T
7 books + 3 Mags = RM70
not bad huh??




was eyeing on this cookbook as soon as i heard that it was going for just RM24 via that myGroupon thingy. anyways although i didn’t buy it with the coupon it just cost me RM25 only! haha.. XDD great bargain isn’t it! Thanks SAT for bringing this huge ass hardcover book back to penang!
now to the best part
upon reaching penang, in less than 24 hours I got sick. 
by wednesday my fever still persisted. and the day before i made a bad decision of calling my mom. i called her to tell her about my high fever and the clinic suspected that i might have contracted dengue. sigh. immediately the next day my parents, super paranoid parents, travelled all the way to penang and came knocking on my door to bring me to the hospital. LOL. cute, adorable and lovable as they may be I simply find it a little absurd to go to the hospital when it’s(the fever) been only 3 days.
so I went to the hospital. got some meds. i was still reluctant to be admitted into the hospital. what for, right?
so i spent the night with my parents and my mom stayed up the whole night to keep my temperature down. the best mom award goes to her! you mom!
the next day I was still having fever. my mom immediately decided to send me to the hospital. dad, on the other hand, wanted to take me home. LOL. typical dad. he knew he couldn’t stay long in penang but he still wanna oversee my recuperation. so cute my daddy =) so on the way to the hospital they both kept arguing on who’s idea is better. sigh. mom won, of course. HAHA.
okay, too much of boring details. i should stop now. haha.
anyways, I wanna thank the BBP for visiting me at the hospital. you guys! and thank you rouyan and SAT for taking care of me
I’m all better now.
and
life must go on.
for that one week I didn’t have to deal with anything except for my recovery. while at the hospital I was pretty much worried about the classes that I missed. in spite of that, i think, i was happy to be hospitalised. i just couldn’t bear it anymore. there are so many times I wanted to give up but eventually i snapped myself out of it. i probably should loosen myself more. right? sigh.
time flies.
soon, I’ll be washing my hands of it. can’t wait for that to happen!