Minutes to go...

Hello peeps! Yes, I am still alive.
Minutes before the year ends, allow me to pen my last thoughts for the year.
Well, I was thinking (I literally have this post drafted in my mind while I was in the hospital - will be explained later as to how I ended up in hospital) of writing a review of my 2014 but I digress.
Nevertheless after a heartbreak, a lost camera, laptop died on me, 7 gastric attacks, contracted  typhoid paratyphi which got me hospitalised on Christmas eve (and quarantined).. and whatnot... 2014 just didn't love me. Having said that, I am very optimistic that 2015 will be a good year, or at least better than 2014.
Of the many obstacles faced this year I hope it just made me stronger than ever in embracing the new year.
So here's me wishing you a better 2015. Thanks for reading and dropping by.
Happy new year!

With love, hope and dream of second chances...

"Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long..."

"You can never replace anyone, because everyone is made of  such beautiful specific details"

Celine, Before Sunset

Of every moment a part of the past....7 things

... every car plate number ending with "the" double digit I see on the road just seem to make me forget how to breathe normally.
... dare not let myself to hear songs that used to (still) mean so much to me
... places I used to dream of going, but how to go when things are different now
... I still love making pasta
... gastric is back, and it is hurting my spine, my stomach, my head
... turned on the TV super loud to kill the silence that surrounds me
... feels like I am singing my life when I sing those songs

It Ain't Sombre

Music has always been my hiding spot whenever I hit a bump. Maybe it is a habit of me dissecting every single note or tune in a music I hear - too much of Dr Razak and Dr Johan's influence perhaps. There is never a perfect music unless you perfected it yourself thus I love expressing music I love in my own way.
Life is never perfect. I thought I had a perfect life, then I hit rock bottom. So all I can do now is dream of perfection through the music I play, strum, and hum.
The only way I can attain perfection.

I hope I could hit the fast forward button in spite knowing there's real wisdom and discovery in this interim period.

Wow... self-righteousness alert.

"Pain is meant to be felt"

I do not like the fact that as I age the more funerals I will attend. Well, so far it is true having attended a few this year.
Honestly, after every funerals or wakes I attended fear loomed over me. I am afraid that one day I will be the one wearing that white gown. You must think how silly of me being afraid of being the one mourning. But I am. I am bad at wakes or funerals. Very bad.
All I could think of, every time, is how sorry I feel for the families on losing their beloved. This sadness I felt could last a decade if I were to allow myself to be overwhelmed by this emotion.
Having said that, I do know (still) that there is no shame in dying and we should instead celebrate in memory of the deceased rather than mourning endlessly.
If it were that easy right?
And so the only thing I always do is to give the warmest hug I could ever give.

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Anyways, if I were to attend my own funeral I wish it will be filled with lilies and my favorite songs played all through the procession.
Just saying.

"Some infinities are bigger than other infinities" - The Fault In Our Stars

Another beautiful voice (excellent falsetto, must say)

I need someone, That I'll look to,
In the lonely hour, That we all go through,
To give me comfort, And love me through,
In the lonely hour, I need you . . . . I need you,

I don't need diamonds, I don't need jewels,
No amount of riches, Will cover up these blues,
I don't need suggestions, About a-starting new,
In the lonely hour, I need you,

There's nothing i can do, I'm helpless without you,
It's a losing, Point of view,
When there's a wistful silence, In an empty room,
These other voice's, They don't cut through,
In the lonely hour, I need you . . I need you . . . And i need you,

                                                                        - the lonely hour, sam smith



P.S. Working on a Sunday?
Well if you are then high fives!
Nothing to sulk about actually if we could end up with better increment, or perhaps promotion?! *grins*
Long story short, it has been getting real crazy at work lately.

Some questions should just left unanswered, perhaps

For some time, I allowed myself to cry. Or probably because I could not hold back my tears.
Or probably because I wanted to, and I have a reason to do so.
I know, I am being the typical me. If I don't say, I don't think, I'd be okay. I just need to practice that smile every day. I just need to say I am okay. I am okay. I will be okay. I will not lose that smile. I will not lose that charm. I will not fear the future. I will not fear the person I am. I will not give up everything I believe in.

I will never give up on what I believe in.

But, for now, just for now...

I wish to not be reminded. I wish for that serenity. I wish for a shooting star, if only there is such a thing.

I will wake up tomorrow, with that smile when I put on my make up. and it will be just another day. Steve and Shaz will probably make me laugh, discuss footie with Aziz and Talib, well, maybe a little bit on politics too, why not eh?

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I still believe...

# I will have beauty if only I believe in one.
# Meritocracy.
# Nothing in this world is free. We have to fight for everything. But in an honest way.
# Positivity. (though it is often over-stated)
# There is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Winning My First Radio Contest

Every weekday morning I will spend one hour in my car either daydreaming about future vacations, daydreaming about working abroad, daydreaming about a handsome prince on a white horse (pun intended if you must know) or dread about my never-ending projects or laugh at silly jokes on the radio and what not!

This morning.. a change of luck! Steve finally picked up my call! - after trying tirelessly for two weeks!
And I am about to receive these goodies! yeahhhh...

Before Steve even had the time to start the timer I answered it! Easy Peasyyy!

The spirit within

I stumbled upon E.L's Huff Post piece about turning 25. I am reading a lot lately. Perhaps I thought it could keep my mind off things. I thought I am okay, until, I knew I wasn't. I am not.
How could I found that one piece of writing, that bloody honest-to-god memoir from some random writer/blogger/teacher!?
Of all the blogs, journals, articles, books (and whatnot) I have read or tried reading these past two weeks could not sum up to the words I have been longing to read, to feel, to hold on to, to wake myself up..
How can two souls, continents apart experience the same thing?
How can, how did she found that courage to write so honestly that it made me hate myself for not having that courage to be honest to myself for being not okay.
How did I found someone who felt the way I did, the way I do now.
How did I found someone who cried so little and so much inside as much as I did?
Was it the spirit within?
Was it the universe's way of guiding me by introducing me to a teacher?
I did not sleep the whole night and drove to work at 6. Thinking the whole night.
She wrote back to me. A total stranger who completely felt my pain, who was so willing to write to me again.
I cried reading her reply. I cried because I had to wake up.

when alternative is the mainstream today

I am alone because I have moved on. and it feels I am the only one. It was a part of my lifestyle once, but I grew past it. It feels awkward to look back at things I used to do or say, but that was the younger me. I can't actually blame myself for it. I have to let that go because I need to carry on my life in the next phase. I have wasted 3 years on it, so no more. I don't think I owe anyone any part of my life. If you want to be a part of my life, to be remembered, be in my real life because I do not have a virtual world.
That said, I am not weird. I am just living my life. and having principles and the courage to carry out my convictions.
So don't be a coward and stick to your principles.

Wait

I stood there looking back at how once a upon a time I used to be that person. and I realized I am still that person. That same old shadow. Time waits for no one. and No one would actually wait for you. That is the bitter part.

7 Things....

why I love celebrating new year's day

1

Bank holiday! yet another super legit reason to be away from work!

TWO

Starting anew. What better reason to say.. it's the new year let's forget everything that happened last year!

3

new year. new resolutions? nevermind if you oughta break it heee

FOuR

Perfect time to get busy in the kitchen says my epicurean alter ego.

5ive

a year older. more freedom to do whatever I want!

Six
feels nice to say Happy New Year. even to a stranger.

7

new year tend to give me some kind of hope that the new year actually be better. no?



Anyways....

HAPPY 2014!