of life and you-topia

sometimes i really can't help myself from thinking so hard. everything seems so uncontrollable in my life. not just my life, everything around me. though it has nothing to do with me I still take it as if I was apart of it. and if I am really apart of it, I'd ponder and ponder, and questions like why would ultimately pop up into my head making the whole situation even worse.

all i want is a simple life. i can never understand the meaning of "competition" although i am in one. life is a competition. it shouldn't be but it definitely is. no matter how many books, documentaries, life journals i read and watched, i still failed to understand the meaning of it and it's existance and it's importance.

Mary-Ruth sent me a short text she quoted from a book, "The Lessons of History".
"......so the first biological lesson of history is that life is a competition. Competition is not only the life of trade, it is the trade of life- peaceful when food abounds, violent when the mouths outrun the food. Animals eat one another without qualm; civilised men consume one another but due process of law.."
from the bottom of my heart, i am still in denial. i never agreed in the theory of survival of the fittest. probably in the animal world it does exist. we all know that. but we are not them. i respect the existance of competition in the animal world but not the human world. we do not necessarily need to be like them(in a civilised way) and we are still able to survive, or at least that's what i thought it should be. but sadly it ain't gonna be that way. never is and never will.

probably this is what most people(everyone) would tell me. this is life. but that doesn't mean i have to follow and practice all these so-called laws of nature to continue surviving in this world. as long i play by my rules and hold on to my principles, my life and everything that revolves around me will eventually be my utopia.

the text message ended with this. ".. cheers, to us who are trying to live right and succeed without backstabbing and greed.."
thanks, MR for such a thoughtful message=)

i was struggling to complete this post because i simply couldn't find the right words to describe how i felt. and i never want to miss a single detail because it strongly represents me. that's why it took me so long to complete this post.